A 3-Step Shortcut to Getting More Clients (and Friends or Dates, Too)

Nov 14, 2018 / By Chris Holman
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Want to convert more prospects into clients? You can use the same strategy as the most successful speed daters in a recent Stanford study.

Question: What is a shortcut that you can use (today!) that will lead to more clients, more friends, and even more dates (for those of you who are available and single.)

Answer: (1) Ask a question, (2) Listen, (3) Ask a follow-up question.

Numerous studies show that being inquisitive and asking good questions is one of the best ways to leave a good impression. A few years back, in a Stanford study of speed-daters, the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. Researchers also found that if a participant were to ask just one more question, he or she would succeed in getting a “Yes, I want to see you again” on one more of the dates, on average. In another study, Harvard researchers got 430 participants to talk to each other one-on-one in instant messaging conversations. At the end of the 15-minute conversation, the question-responders rated the people who asked more questions as more likable than the conversation partners who asked fewer questions.

Asking more questions works because it forces us to pay attention to our conversation partners and remain present. It shows that we’re curious, empathetic, and interested in the lives of others.

This is all so intuitively obvious, right? Then…why-oh-why do so many of us talk so much about ourselves? Check this out. A few years back, psychologists did a study of conversations in public settings. And for 66% of the dialogues, the speakers blathered on about themselves and their own personal experiences.

What’s wrong with us? Going on about our own selves 66% of the time? That’s no way to win friends or influence people.

Got questions?

In conversation, three of the best ways to increase interpersonal liking is (no surprise) to concentrate on other-focused behaviors:

  1. Of course, there is the tried-and-true method of giving compliments. (Flattery will get you everywhere!)
  2. Then there is the slightly more subtle approach of acknowledging another person’s ideas. (We all want to be heard.)
  3. This article will focus on a third approach to interpersonal liking: Asking questions…especially follow-up questions.

Good advisors ask good questions. Breaking news, this is not. The Horsesmouth archive is loaded with articles that will improve your question-asking skills. If you’d like to dig a little deeper on this topic, may I suggest you look here, here, and here.

I trust that many of you have a battery of “go-to” questions that you use in the discovery process with prospects and new clients. Note to self: If you’re not confident in the effectiveness of your “go-to” questions, or if you don’t really have this list now…this is Item #1 for you. Develop these questions soon.

However, you don’t want to sound like a robot either. Some of the best questions don’t even come from the head. They come from the heart. Or the gut. They bubble up from the spontaneity of the moment, when you are fully immersed in the conversation. Something is said that sparks your curiosity, and you say to your conversation partner, “Wow! That’s interesting. Please tell me more.”

Why does question-asking in conversations increase the ‘liking’ factor?

In this study by Harvard psychologists, they suggest that asking questions increases liking because doing so indicates responsiveness, i.e., the behavior in a conversation that requires a set of skills for responding relevantly and appropriately. They further define responsiveness as reflecting three components:

  1. Understanding. This is the ability to accurately comprehend the question-responder’s self-perceptions: their needs, goals, beliefs, emotions, and life situation. By asking questions, you elicit information from your conversational partner that help you more accurately and appropriately understand them. Question-asking is likely to increase the disclosure and learning for understanding.
  2. Validation. This is valuing and respecting the partners’ self-perceptions and perspectives. By asking questions, you acknowledge that your partner’s perspective is valuable enough for you to want to know more.
  3. Caring. This component of responsiveness means showing affection and concern for the partner. Rather than talking about oneself, asking questions about your partner is likely to indicate warmth, positive affect, curiosity, and empathic concern.

Closed vs. open-ended questions: A refresher

Not all questions are created equal. To really learn something about someone else, you’ll want to rely on the open-ended question. You know the difference between closed- and open-ended questions, I suspect. Closed-ended questions are OK if you’re Joe Friday and just want data, “Just the facts, Ma’am.” Yet, if you really want to get the other person to open up and speak from the heart, closed-ended questions are a dull tool.

Check out the following conversation between Bentley Boring and Pippa Prospect to see what I’m talking about.

Bentley: What do you do to stay fit?
Pippa: Yoga.
Bentley: How long have you been into yoga?
Pippa: Ten years.
Bentley: You must like it, huh?
Pippa: Yep.
Bentley: Where do you go?
Pippa: There’s a studio in Uptown that I like.
Bentley: Uhhh…do you go there often? [Gong!!!]

This conversation is going nowhere. Bentley isn’t likely to get Pippa as a client, or out on a date either. Peppering someone with a series of closed-ended questions, interrogator style, doesn’t cut it. Yet, if Bentley had mixed in a few open-ended questions that encouraged Pippa to elaborate and put some thought into her response, it would have improved things greatly.

Questions like:

“What got you into yoga?”
“This is fantastic. Tell me why you like it as much as you do.”
“I’m curious. What are the benefits that you’re seeing?”

Would you agree that open-ended questions are better?

Good follow-up questions are catalysts to even deeper conversations

If asking questions is good, asking follow-up questions is even better. Follow-up questions show that you’re paying attention, and encourage the other person in the conversation to elaborate still further. Follow-up questions show that you are listening, not distracted by the surrounding shiny objects—you are in the conversation.

And when you ask your follow-up questions, here are the six steps:

  1. You ask the original question,
  2. You listen to the answer,
  3. You probe for more information if you’re not clear,
  4. You understand the answer,
  5. You validate your conversational partner,
  6. And you express “care” in your curiosity to learn more.

How to ask follow-up questions: A template

When thinking of how best to ask follow-up questions, the following key words can be used as foundations to your queries:

  • Who?
  • What?
  • How?
  • Where?
  • When?
  • Meaning?
  • And?
  • I would avoid “why” questions, and here’s why.

Once you’re in the habit of asking follow-up questions, it will become easier to generate them during conversation. Remember, though, to always listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Only formulate your question once the person has finished speaking, because what he or she says will likely affect what you ask next.

One way to do this is by practicing active listening, in which you listen as though you might need to explain what the person is saying to someone else. If something doesn’t make sense or you don’t understand it, ask for clarification.

Reading between the lines…

Sometimes during conversation, the other person will give you little pieces of information that are hints at what he or she wants you to ask about next. A person might say something such as “I have been working as an accountant, but I’m not sure for how much longer.”

In this instance, consider asking follow-up questions that help you to clarify what the other person is thinking, such as “What do you mean by that?” or “Why do you think that?” Use these when you feel the need to understand the other person’s point of view or how they are feeling about a particular topic. This is particularly helpful if the person has dropped hints about a deeper meaning than the actual words he or she is saying.

More tips for follow-up questions

  • Show interest and encourage the other person to speak by smiling and nodding during conversation.
  • If there isn’t a natural follow-up question, and the other person is still speaking, interject statements such as “Tell me more” or “Sounds interesting” to encourage the other person.
  • If someone discloses something personal, such as a recent death in the family or a divorce, offer sympathy and support rather than asking for more details, unless you know the person very well. That person may just want to explain his/her situation so that you know why he/she is not acting like themselves. Leave it up to them to decide how much to share.
  • Don’t be quick to jump into silence. Allow the other person time to respond and don’t interrupt. Also, when there is silence in a conversation, especially in response to a question, that often means that thinking is happening. Generally, this is a very good thing because, for a sustainable action to occur, the thinking must happen first.
  • Establishing intimacy in conversations is a two-way street. If your desire is to have an in-depth exchange with someone else about matters that really concern them, you’ll need to share some personal details about yourself. In business settings, there can be a tricky balance between revealing something about you, without being too personal or inappropriate.

Summing things up

It’s not difficult to get people to talk about themselves. Good questions get the ball rolling. Sometimes the discussion will develop a momentum all its own. Other times, you might want to use follow-up questions to catalyze the conversation.

For some of you, your biggest challenge in conversations will be to guard against dominating the dialogue. When you notice this happening, take a breath; stop talking, and start listening.

I hope that this essay is a reminder to many of you to stay curious and empathetic, listen to your clients and prospects…and ask good questions.

I trust you find this helpful.

Chris Holman is the executive coach with Horsesmouth. His career in financial services spans 43 years as a financial advisor, a national director of investments, and an executive coach. He is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) as certified by the International Coach Federation (ICF). He can be reached at cholman@horsesmouth.com.

Comments

Miriam: Thank you. You allude to a good point. Being a good "conversationalist" is more than just being good at asking questions. In fact, it's relatively easy (I believe) to control a dialogue by being very proactive at asking questions, listening, and following up with more questions. Becoming a good conversationalist is something else altogether. Someone like Dick Cavett or Terry Gross...two public personalities that come to mind for me when I think of great "conversationalist". Thank you again for your observations.
It's been my experience that people love to talk about themselves so much that if you just keep asking good questions and prompting them to do more of it, they won't even notice YOU are saying almost nothing - and later, they'll remember you as an incredible conversationalist whom they really liked and found quite interesting. :) Bonus: you will have learned a tremendous amount about them, and they will be delighted when you remember and ask them in your next conversation about some important event they had coming up or transition they were going through.
Love this article! Simple yet incredibly effective!
Excellent article, a great refresher and some new usable ideas. Thanks.

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