Here’s the scenario.
You have a good friend that you’ve known for many, many years. Financially, she’s done quite well. Or so you think. She leads a busy and complicated life, both personally and financially. She works with another advisor, and is not crazy about him.
As a financial advisor, you suspect that you might be able to help your friend. But, you don’t really know. The two of you have never really had a conversation about money. Your friend has never come to you, and you’ve never broached the topic with her. You’d like to have this conversation, but haven’t. And each time you see your friend you say to yourself, “You know, I believe that I could be helping her…”
Sound familiar?
So, how do you bust out of the status quo of your friend needing help, and you wanting to help her…and the two of you never talking about it?
The conversational pivot
One of the ways to do this is by developing a “conversational pivot.” This is a direct and sincere request on your part to ask your friend’s permission if she’d like to have a bigger conversation about her financial life. The conversational pivot is not salesy or manipulative. It is respectful and places the power of choice directly in your friend’s hands.
In fact, let’s jump right into it. Here’s an example of what a “conversational pivot” might look like:
You: I very much value you as a friend, and want you to know that our friendship will always come first.
Friend: Good! I feel the same way about you.
You: Can I have your permission to ask a direct question?
Friend: Of course.
You: I’d like your permission to expand our conversation.
Friend: OK…but I’m not exactly sure if I know what you’re talking about.
You: We’ve never spoken about money. Not in a professional sense. I’ve never shared with you how I serve my clients, and you’ve never described what you’d like to achieve financially, and what concerns you most about your finances. With your permission, I’d like to have this confidential conversation with you. Pause…
You (again): Would this be OK with you? And I’m completely OK if your answer is “No.”
Friend: What a funny coincidence! I was thinking just the other day that I had a few financial questions that my own advisor doesn’t seem to understand, or be able to answer. I wanted to talk to you about it, but I didn’t want to bother you.
This is just one example of a conversational pivot. You can probably spot the key elements of the pivot, which I’d like to discuss in greater depth. But before doing so, I need to address a critical element about doing business with friends and family.
A word of caution
Although doing business with friends and family offers considerable promise, I don’t assume that it’s automatically a right choice for you. In order to work with friends and family effectively, you’ll be required to access your: emotional intelligence, superior communication skills, and patience. Moreover, your decision to work with friends and family is not a choice that you can take lightly.
Here’s a small example of what I’m talking about.
Years ago, when I was a young, aspiring financial advisor, I chose to do business with my father-in-law. He was a real gentleman, but he was also very detail-focused. As a pea-green, and somewhat callow, fledgling advisor, I didn’t have this attention to detail as of yet. One incident stands out in my memory.
For some quirky reason, his account developed this peculiar hanging balance of $0.10 that could never be resolved. This dime was never invested and never rolled into the money market fund either. Despite my best efforts and inquiries, it just hung out there on the statement with nowhere to go. And my father-in-law always brought the topic up. On Thanksgiving. At birthday celebrations. Whenever he got a new statement, he raised the topic. I could never resolve the issue nor could I answer him satisfactorily. And this went on for years.
The point is that when you do business with family or friends, the conversation with them is likely to change. It’s almost inevitable. Money can do strange things to us all. You may not want to risk changing the nature of the relationship with your friends and family. If this is the case, your choice is a simple one. Don’t work with them.
Back to the conversational pivot
In developing your own conversational pivot, here are some key observations to guide you:
- The words need to be your own. I trust that the example I offered above is a good starting point. However, if the words or the phraseology sound clunky to you, change them. This exchange must not sound scripted or artificial. The language must be genuine and comfortable for you. It must be your own.
- Ask permission. The entry point is your asking permission to expand the conversation. It’s a genuine ask, too. If you aren’t granted this permission or if you sense that your friend is uncomfortable with your request, you should be prepared to drop your inquiry.
- Give your friend the power. Your friend or family member must have the choice to move forward in this relationship…or not. And you’ll want her to know that either choice is OK with you.
- “The friendship comes first.” This is a key phrase. You must mean it, and be prepared to take action if you see the friendship at risk.
- Confidentiality. This is often a big one. Your friend or family member must know that you’ll guard the relationship with an ironclad confidentiality. You can’t assume that your friend knows your confidentiality ethics either. You need to say it out loud. Also, confidentiality will even extend to the fact that a business relationship exists between the two of you, e.g., you won’t “name-drop” that you’re working together. If your friend is OK with publicizing the relationship, this is entirely her choice.
- Don’t rush it. Take your time with the conversation. Don’t jam all of the sentences together so that it sounds like a canned elevator statement. Allow for your friend to absorb the impact and import of the pivot. While you may have been thinking about this for quite some time, the topic might be completely new and surprising for her.
- Your intention is foremost. If you want to reach out to a friend, focus on your intention to help him. Don’t obsess over the words and the situation. Take a breath. Listen to your heart, if that helps. Your desire to lend a hand will override the perceived awkwardness of the conversation. Regardless of whether or not you end up doing business in the short term, your friend will know that you are a resource should she ever need it.
Concluding observations
When you reach out to friends and family regarding your services, you might be surprised by their response. On more than one occasion I’ve heard from advisors that their friends responded by saying something like, “Really? I could work with you? Wow…I thought that my account isn’t big enough, which is why I’ve never brought this up before.”
Also, the best reason for you to reach out to friends and family is a matter of trust. With your existing clients, you have worked for years to build the layers of trust that they have in you. Doesn’t it make intuitive sense for you to consider working with others in your life where this trust already exists?