What Could You Achieve If You Had More Confidence?

One morning in 1983, I quietly picked up the phone and cold-called Warren Buffett. I had recently read The Intelligent Investor, and knew that Benjamin Graham was one of Buffett’s heroes. At the time, I fancied myself as a “stock picker” and wanted to impress Mr. Buffett with my investment acumen. I never ended up speaking to the Great Man, yet I was able to get a small chuckle out of his secretary. A tiny victory.

Throughout my career as an advisor (we were called “stockbrokers” back then), I had these periodic spasms of raw confidence. I sometimes wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had been bolder and had been more consistent with this confidence.

Wait! I misspoke.

Let’s try this again from the top.

What might I have achieved if I had more confidence courage?

One morning in 1983, I quietly picked up the phone and cold-called Warren Buffett. I had recently read The Intelligent Investor, and knew that Benjamin Graham was one of Buffett’s heroes. At the time, I fancied myself as a “stock picker” and wanted to impress Mr. Buffett with my investment acumen. I never ended up speaking to the Great Man, yet I was able to get a small chuckle out of his secretary. A tiny victory.

Throughout my career as an advisor (we were called “stockbrokers” back then), I had these periodic spasms of raw confidence courage. I sometimes wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had been bolder, and had been more consistent with this confidence courage.

That’s better. That’s what I meant to say.

Mistaking confidence for courage

I often say “confidence” when “courage” is the word that really fits. This is an important difference. Do you do this too?

I observe that what holds many of us back is not lack of confidence. It’s lack of courage.

“Confidence” comes from the Latin fidere, “to trust.” A confident person is one who trusts themselves, and has self-assurance in their own ability, judgment, power, and so on. Numerous studies show that it is possible for us to increase our confidence, and this is the consequence of having mastered particular activities. Thinking of it this way, confidence is the outcome of our experiences.

Courage is a horse of a different color. One definition of courage is feeling afraid and unacquainted with the outcome, yet choosing to act anyway. Mark Twain once wrote, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”

Dialing up random strangers on the phone was what we all did back in the 80s, yet I wasn’t one of the cold-calling cowboys out of Bear Stearns in Manhattan. I was just a guy in Minneapolis. I was definitely outside my comfort zone when I punched out that number with the Omaha area code. Whatever inspired me to make that call, it wasn’t the confidence that comes from similar experiences. I had no idea what might happen.

The courage habit

In her book, The Courage Habit, Kate Swoboda argues that when it comes to dealing with fear, we often go about it all wrong. Instead of seeing fear as bad and trying to get rid of it when it arises, we can choose to accept fear as part of the process of change and instead practice courage. This choice can help you to feel more emotionally resilient as you make small life changes or go after the big dreams.

She offers four ways for us to react to our fear differently:

1. Access the body. Mindful meditation, yoga, exercise, or going for a walk can be a response to our worry instead of being pulled into the familiar fear spiral.
2. Listen without attachment. Do you know your inner voice…that insidious not-friend who whispers negative thoughts in your ear? When you listen without attachment, you listen without the need to ignore or accept what that voice is saying.
3. Reframe limiting stories. As humans, we make meaning of our experiences by making up stories about how the world operates. And these stories are often skewed. “Everyone’s out for himself or herself” or “The world’s a graveyard” or “I’m not very brave.” Yet, Swoboda offers that we can challenge our embedded negative stories, and change the lens that colors our perspective.
4. Create a community of like-minded people. Who do you hang with? Do they share your courageous values such as kindness, vulnerability, optimism, and empathy? If not, you might seek folks who mirror your principles. And all you need is one person to listen to and give support…it doesn’t have to be a pack.

Jia Jiang: The rejection guy

Growing up in Beijing, Jia Jiang had a searing memory of being rejected when he was in first grade. His teacher came up with an exercise that encouraged everyone in his class to give compliments to each other. One by one, his classmates complimented each other. Jiang jumped into the game enthusiastically and praised a number of his friends. Yet, when it came to Jiang’s turn…nobody said a word of approval about him. This memory of rejection stuck with Jiang for years.

Fast forward to 2012, and Jiang is a young adult and entrepreneur who had immigrated to the U.S. at age 16. He still finds himself still fixated on his fear of rejection. To overcome this fear, Jiang comes up with a plan. For 100 days straight, he’ll challenge himself to make an outlandish request of a stranger every day…in order to desensitize himself from the pain of rejection and conquer his paralyzing fear.

Here are some of his bizarre requests (click to see videos of what happens):

• Ask for a “burger refill” from 5 Guys: Fail
• Ask to make an announcement on a Southwest flight: Success
• Bum a ride from Tony Hsieh (Zappos) on his private jet: Success
• Request to feed a lion at a zoo: Fail
• Make a request for ¼ of one shrimp at Whole Foods: Success

And the best part about Jiang’s request-quest? Out of his 100 appeals, he got 51 people to say, “Yes!” (Maybe we should all make oddball requests more often?) Here’s the entire list. If you’d like to hear Jia Jiang’s TED Talk, he’s quite funny and it is worth the time.

Quotable quotes on courage

Quotes and the topic of courage go together like bacon and eggs. Here are some of my favorites. What are yours?

What will you regret most?

Neal Roese is one of the leading researchers on the science of regret. His research tells us that if we decide to do something, and it turns out poorly…most likely, we won’t be haunted by this. (We’ll reframe the failure and move on.) However, it’s the things left undone that we’ll regret most.

And check this out! He says that our regrets are really opportunities in disguise. Our brains produce the most “if only I had done that…” thoughts about things we can still change. Our regrets are little flashing signals in our brain that are telling us, “You can do this! It’s not too late.”

Three more questions for you.

• In 10 or 20 years from now, where will you be if you change very little about your career and life?

And what if…?

• In 10 or 20 years from now, what could you have achieved if you approach your life more courageously?

Finally…

• What is one small courageous action that you’d like to take today?

I trust that you find this thought-provoking…and helpful.