The Surprising Way Complaining Can Actually Do You Good

Originally, I was going to entitle this article, “How to Stop Complaining”…or something similar. Yet, I couldn’t get going. Every time that I sat down to my laptop, I complained to myself, “I can’t write this. This sounds boring to me.”

This internal complaining continued for a few days. For some reason, I didn’t appreciate the irony. I was complaining to myself about writing an essay about complaining. That’s funny, right?

Then I realized something. Deep down, I didn’t want to write another article that rehashed tired old clichés, and my little-voice-in-my-head complaints were a flashing yellow light cautioning me to rethink my original premise.

My complaining was my intuition talking…and suggesting, “Hey, that’s not quite right. You can do better!”

It’s been said that the average person complains 30 times daily. Wow! What if every complaint was really a helpful tool in disguise…our subconscious prompting us to find a better way?

From complaining to requesting

Here’s the thing about complaining. Complaining without a follow-up action is not productive. When we complain, we release a pent-up energy. Yet, we release it sideways. In other words, we’re not having direct conversations to solve the problem.

Moreover:

• Complaining replaces productive engagement.
• Complaining can amplify the destruction of the initial frustration.
• Complaining is aggressive inaction…it displaces the need to act.

So, what do we do about this?

At the various points in our life, we’ll encounter the actions of another person or some situation that doesn’t please us or satisfy our concerns and desires. When we do, we are faced with this choice: (1) We can complain about this without action; (2) we can take action by making requests of others, or (3) as in my case, we can take action by making a request to ourselves.

If our complaining is limiting to blaming others, or life, for what comes our way, we succumb to victimhood. In order to fully embrace the complaint-as-catalyst, we must accept the situation and take responsibility for making things better. This involves a commitment to resolving our distress by making a request.

To be sure, some of us are hindered at this stage. Why do we not make requests, even when there’s something that we want or need from someone else? In some cases, we have a fear that the request might be rejected. In other instances, we might believe that a request is a sign of incompetence or weakness. In still other occasions, we’ll view the request as an imposition upon someone else.

Yet, all of this is faulty thinking. Making a request is simply an invitation to someone else to participate in our life. It is a demonstration of respect, and not a burden that we impose.

(Important note: Sometimes, our complaints might reveal more complex situations that I am not prepared to address professionally. Here is one article that further addresses the nuances of why/when we complain.)

How to complain productively

Guy Winch is a psychologist. And a stand-up comic. He’s written a helpful book on the best way to complain: The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem.

Here are his suggested steps:

1. Voice one complaint at a time. Too many issues will overwhelm the listener. What’s really important to you? Focus on that first.
2. Practice! Start with easier complaints and work your way up to more meaningful ones.
3. Identify the person who has the power to make the changes you seek; then complain to that person directly.
4. Before you voice your dissatisfaction, identify exactly what you hope to gain. What is your goal? How will you know if you’ve been successful?
5. Before you complain, get your anger under control. Yes, that’s difficult. And you may have a perfect right to be angry. But if you spatter hot fury all over the recipient of your complaint, he or she will focus more on your venom than on helping you. Remember: You want to achieve your goal, not just vent.
6. Admit your part of the problem, if you do have some culpability in the matter. Your honesty will reflect positively on you, make your claims more believable, and perhaps even inspire some reciprocity.
7. Resist the temptation to become a chronic complainer, lest you slide over the slippery slope into victimhood. Choose your issues: Some complaints are simply not worth your time and trouble. Let them go!
8. Become mindful of situations when compliments are called for. Give specific feedback about what you liked, and hopefully you’ll get more of it in the future.

Concluding thoughts

The goal of taking control of our complaints is to become a person of integrity, willing to take back our power and assume responsibility for changes that need to happen in our life. Sometimes these changes are in the outside world. At other times, they’re inside us. Complaining the right way is an assertive declaration of engagement where we stand up for ourselves in a manner that is fair, respectful and kind to others too.

I trust that you find this helpful.